i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
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