The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
