Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
