I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
