Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
