Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
