All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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