now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
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