can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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