he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
