upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
My ATM looks so different sober.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
