just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
