my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
