I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
