I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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