How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
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This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
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The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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