My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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