I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
