Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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