Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
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