Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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