just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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