is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
