member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
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You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
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I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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