I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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