my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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