She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
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im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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