There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
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How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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