remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
