why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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