Your favorite bartender is back from prision
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
