My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
