i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
