reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I love you. Go after that dick
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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