I want you more than these girls want KFC
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
