I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
