Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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