College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
