Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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