White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
i think we sleep fucked last night...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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