Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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