mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
