I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
