i already hear my dad disowning me
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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