dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Randomize
