dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
