I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
