a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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