I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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