and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
