Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
