remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
