saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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