We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
