i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
