life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
