I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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