I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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