Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Randomize
