just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
