Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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