I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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